Also, Happy Anniversary to all the ACE loungers, for this is the day on which FAT-DOGGING was born! Praise!
GROSS, but still, a fat dog
11/20/08 78:
What I'm about to say right now is really boring. I'm off for a week and a half of travel to counsin's wedding in the west and then back to east of the Mississippi for Thanksgiving. I won't lie to you, I am excited to hang out with 88 and to see loads of family. Until after, then. Tidy.
11/13/08
78:
'Tis worth watching the entire video. However, if you're in a pinch, start at 1:30 and view through 3:59.
Tidy.
You're welcome.
MAGNIFICENT.
11/6/08
78:
Lately I've really been jonesing for some hometown air and the wide open spaces. The feeling of the city preparing for winter hibernation is uncomfortable and bleak. Not that winter in hometown was much more enticing but late spring and summer were breathtaking. I feel a road trip coming on. I feel it for summer. I've gotta bust out of these city walls and get on the open road. Who's with me?!!!!
10/30/08
78:
"CERTIFICATED"
10/23/08
78:
I already posted this but it was somehow erased, which makes me borderline livid. I don't remember what I said exactly but it was something about this book to the left. I saw a dude on the subway reading this book, all loud and proud, like. He wasn't reading aloud but he was very obviously not hiding the jacket cover....which let's face it, most people would, as it infers a condition that is probably best kept private. Maybe he was a dentist and getting in a little study time. Either way, this type of subject matter is best left to private reading areas. Like on the toilet. And this is how I was able to again invent a reason to bring up the poop knife. There ya go: Poop Knife. You're welcome.
10/16/08
78:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY WEEK TO 73!!!!!
May your day be filled with: "Genuine Broasted Chicken" and "Packaged Liquors" Just like at the old timey 4Aces Lounge!
10/9/08
78:
Side mirror cracked and fell off = Bummer.
$0.99 store hand mirror = Thrifty.
Macgyver instincts = Classy.
10/2/08
78:
In keeping with what has evolved into a theme, I present some of my favorite made up words. Even though one of these words can technically be found in dictionaries, it SHOULD NOT be considered for usage. Except in cases of irreverence, mocking or for the purpose of testing someone's compatibility to the cause (i.e. their humor and status as possible friend or foe).
My original love affair:IRONICAL as in, "Some people may find it ironical that I'm a travel again but I've never been outside of Blaine."
IRREGARDLESS This common offender was used ad nauseam by my housing authority boss back when I was a Resident Assistant in the dorms in college. The first time he used it, we were in a meeting with all the RAs and I laughed out loud. Realizing quickly that he wasn't being ironical, I tried to cover my laugh with some fake coughs. Fortunately or unfortunately, no one else in the room seemed to know what I had found so funny. Poor guy. He also sported a wicked mustache that really only made sense in 1879.
DEMEANERINGThis is my new favorite. I heard this one used on a little American embarrassment called "Wife Swap" a few weeks ago. WS is one of those TV shows in which families trade mothers for a couple of weeks. Madness and accusations fly for the first week but by the end most families agree that they have learned from the experience and even respect the "swapped" Moms. This demeanering gem was spouted by a husband toward his temporary wife. He was hurt and attempting to defend his lack of parenting and filthy/lazy lifestyle. I write his quote exactly as it sounded and probably the way he would spell it. "U keep goin on wit ur belittlin demeanering things, but ur nawt gonna come in here & tell me that I dress like a homeless person. Period! And as far as independency goes....I try to support my wife." "Independency" is a freebie. I'm not even going to break that one down. It is just beautiful and should be treated with reverence, with humility.
For the record, that husband did dress like a homeless person.
9/25/08
78:
HOLY HELL! There is actually an entry in the Urban Dictionary for "poop knife"!!!!!!!! This is quite a discovery. We are all familiar with the heinously gross but hilarious poop knife story. Well, looks like we are not alone in having to endure this knowledge.
1.
poopknife
a knife that is usually used for cutting up big fat turds stuck in the toliet after someone has been constipated for a long period of time.
She's movin' on up...to the East side. Or as it happened, downtown. These bags are an impressive display of all this homeless lady's worldly goods. She's not kidding around. I've never seen such an organized subway car dweller. Her baggage actually matches! It looks like she robbed a hockey team of their team bags. Those puppies are HUGE! Funnily enough, the little red suitcase wasn't part of the set. A perfectly normal, employed-looking woman got of at 34th Street with that little red carry-on. Madame Homeless (snoozing in the upper left part of the photo), was wearing a bracelet made of pearls as well! Sure, they were obviously made out of plastic and 4 times larger than a real string of pearls, but you gotta give her some mad props! Lady of the E train, I SALUTE YOU!
9/11/08
78:
Hmmmm. Looks like 83 and our dear friend Douchebag were way ahead of (not behind, as I've heckled) the game on this one. These were found on a runway at fashion week. This is NEXT year's line. Not 1990's. I bet Douchebag is really lamenting the fact that she "gifted" her special pants to her brother in law. You live, you learn.
!HAMMER TIME!
9/5/08
78:
This picture is a huge disappointment. It in NO WAY captures the essence of that bright yellow day-glo shirt that the white old lady hair wearing MAN sported on the subway. I was lucky to have my phone out at the proper time as at any other moment snapping this gentleman would have been far too obvious and obnoxious. Not that his shirt wasn't offending my optic nerves but still, I usually try to play the etiquette game in public. Panticaftanihose. This shirt, in actuality, was so bright that there must have been a battery pack hidden in that bag which powered it. The juice in that battery pack was obviously some form of uranium. I am probably still glowing from having been in proximity to this shirt. It is a very boring, mundane photo and story, I'm sure. But if you had seen it with your own eyes, you'd have been giddy from the extraordinary brightness and glo that it put off. The only reason to manufacture a shirt of this cornea searing magnitude is to supply safety-wear to the department of transportation workers who work on high speed roadways....on the moon....on the dark side of the moon. That would probably explain his hair as well.
8/28/08
78:
"Why don't you just go back to your home on WHORE ISLAND?!?"
8/21/08
78:
Last weekend 83 and I wound up finding this great little event that was totally unexpected and fabulous. We had to sit on a grassy knoll for this event, in the evening, on the tip of a small island, in summer humidity. We had been riding our bikes when we came upon the event so I was wearing shorts and ankle socks etc. which left most of my skin exposed. Thus, I wound up with about 70 mosquito bites, even under my shirt, and have been convulsing all week long as I feel pretty much like I did when I had chicken pox as a kid. Sap sucking assclowns: mosquitoes. Luckily, I found my special mosquito ointment that I used whilst living in Asia. We were attacked regularly by the pests there and, as the label promises, it is very effective. You smell like a vat of cleanser/mentholated grease but you don't itch. The best part of this is that I got to read the ENGRISH on the side of the "Centepede Plaster". It actually makes sense. Just always cracked me up that they would translate literally and not just ask someone who spoke English. Enjoy!
"The muscular, nerve. Joint in the human body pains. Rheumatic pains. Mosquitos to bite. Skin itchy, a burn etc. take the drugs for proper to erase in the infected part at once effective."
8/14/08
78:
My life has been very blessed lately. I have really been feeling the gratitude attitude about this time in my life, in general. I like my work, it's fun and exciting. I like where I live. I am even having a bit of a romance with NYC all over again as I contemplate leaving for western shores and want to make sure that I live to the fullest during my time here. I've been in contact with more old friends and new than I have in years and that is rewarding and hilarious on many levels. I feel like I've laughed a lot over the past few months and find most things generally humorous or at least mildly entertaining. Nothing really ruffles my feathers. Even the gag-reflex inducing smell of the homeless men's bodyrot on the subway doesn't get to me like it used to....well it still does, but now I happily move to the next train car and try to forget the experience. (why I didn't think of this years ago is both embarrassing and mind boggling).
Panticaftanihose ( Yes, I'm using that again. I'm not going to stop - it IS going to catch on!)
I feel that my good luck and pleasant life happiness can be no better expressed than by my stumbling upon this brilliant work of juvenile delinquent graffiti that I happened across this week in SoHo. It is the most tasteful bit of wall art I have seen in this city covered by ghastly teenageboy-looking cartoon or violent gang-looking graffiti. This piece really just made a simple informative sign into a geniusly juvenile work of art in the effort of three strokes of a thick SHARPIE.
Bravo, delinquent. Bravo.
8/7/08
78:
Well, well, well. I was just looking through some photos from last month's great get-ten-gether and enjoying all the memories. It suddenly got me feeling pretty bummed. I really miss everyone. We had such a great time. It was better than it was hanging out as kids because back then we were all just fighting and chasing each other around in an attempt to fart on the other's head... errr ummm, maybe that was just me. Pantihose...panticaftanihose, I became really sad as we all live so far away from each other and the realities of grown up life don't allow us to all get together. Sure, I see a good amount of 83, 75 and 85 but it is now rare that I see 88, 73 or either of the bruvuhs. Almost unheard of that we'd all be together at the same time. This cruel and unavoidable fact of life was threatening to give me a touch of the depression.
Luckily, I came upon this photo to the left. It depicts many of us enjoying a good time. Some pretty serious PIT! gamesmanship happening there. Then, like a whisper from the heavens, I noticed in the top left corner light...the original hideous porcelain cat. THE WHITE CAT. Yes, Claude's predecessor. It's funny that none of us ever named that thing in all the years that it sat perched on top of the armoire, china cabinet and fireplace hearths. I think we were all just trying to pretend that it didn't exist. Well, those days of denial are over. Claude is now here and has awakened me to a new appreciation. What shall we call the original blessed feline? Claudette? Snowball? Miss Twinkles? Susan?
Please send in your suggestions.
7/31/08
78:
Wow. Claude. Is a vision.
How right you were to welcome him into your home, 85. My favorite part about Claude is that I asked 85 from where she purchased him and for what amount, thinking that I'd buy one for each of our abodes (75 quickly nixed my offer and also instructed me to NOT bring it up to her girl child as we all know that the girl child would agree with me and want it prominently on display in 75's house). I digress. 85 said that not only was this the only porcelain cat "thing" in that store, but that it had been there, for sale, for 10 YEARS.
How lucky for you, 85!
Also, last night on the subway I saw a very large woman of color w/ HUGE gazongas wearing a t-shirt that said,
"Boobs. Is there anything they CAN'T do?"
With a large, appropriately placed, cartoon graphic of some big boobs in the style of those beach cover up t-shirts w/ the skinny body painted on the big, billowy t-shirt dress thing. It took every ounce of concentration for me to not go up to her and ask if I could per chance snap a photo. You go girl!
Whilst searching for an image to go along with this post, I unfortunately came across this heiniosity to the right. Yeah, that's right. I had to see it and now so have you. You're welcome.
7/24/08
78:
The other night on the way home, I got off the subway one stop sooner than usual as I wanted to shop at the nice grocery store on the way home. Turns out that wasn't necessary as my regular subway stop is actually the closest to the store but I am so fortunate to have made the mistake. Not only was I able to enjoy a lovely evening stroll in New York City, but I happened across this parked car.
Not sure if you can see through the glare of the flash but that License Plate reads: "KOYTUS".
Mmmmm, niiiiiice. Classy.
The Nascar frame also helps prove the point that ignorant rednecks are not exclusive to the Confederacy.
IN OTHER NEWS! I've finally gotten back on the horse and have caught up with posts for the last month or so. Be sure to double back and check them out... particularly the one about 85's Birthday. For now that I am aware of the existence of her Birthday Suit, all will be well in the world.
7/17/08 78:
Well, first thing is first.
!!!!!!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO 85 !!!!!!!!
I am pumped to spend the anniversary of your day of birth with you here in JAX. Good times. Particularly with the incorporation of a certain "birthday suit" that was displayed at your Birthday Dinner tonight!
Second thing? This beauteous and magical pant suit/caftan to the right. 85 found this in Mom's collection somewhere. How we all missed it OUR ENTIRE LIVES, I'll never know. Mom says she made this for herself in 1974. I asked why and where she wore it and she replied, "Oh! Well of course only in the house. It's a caftan. It was meant for lounging at home." As if that is a totally normal thing to wear whilst lounging(the precursor to FAT DOGGING) at home.
Pantihose, errr ummmm, pantsuitcaftanihose, I picked 85 up from her office this evening to take her to her Birthday dinner with friends etc. I walked in and was a bit distracted because I was finishing up a phone call, so only caught the top half out of the corner of my eye as she was sitting at her desk. I just sort of thought that she was wearing an 'interesting' top.
Then she rolled away from her desk, stood up, and the entire garment was on full display.
I don't think any words came out of me. I was dumb struck. I have never experienced pure, unadulterated AWE & ELATION like this before. I so wanted to express myself but my mind was acutely aware/racing and numb all at the same time so I couldn't think of words. I know I was trying to speak but I think only whale sounds and grunts and snorts and screeches came out. I couldn't get enough oxygen. That was the problem. I was laughing so hard that I was suffocating myself. I was doubled over in the most excellent pain and squinting my eyes closed because I could only take in so much wonder at a time. Every time I came up for air and looked at her, the whole process started over.
After my heart recovered from full-stop stopping in utter shock & ecstasy, my lungs filled again with the sweet life of oxygen, and my muscles obeyed my command to NOT atrophy -- I was able to sprint to the restroom in order to avoid wetting myself.
Luckily, 85 wore it to dinner and everyone was able to take in its wonder and magnificence. This experience was heightened for me by the fact that, through some unknown power from the outer galaxies, 85 was able to maintain complete composure. Thus her behavior was that of any other citizen wearing casual attire.
ABBA would have been so proud. I think the next obvious step is to show this photo to some of my costume designer friends so that they can get the pattern over to the wardrobe department of CBS' new genius hit: SWINGTOWN.
85, HAPPY BIRTHDAY and THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for wearing your BIRTHDAY SUIT!
7/10/08
78:
Well. Here it is. The scene of the crime. While it may look like a snapshot from anytown trailer park USA, it is that air mattress that we used as the market trading floor at the parental units' abode. We were all having such a grand time at the great get-tengether; playing Pit!, swapping stories, laughing and laughing and laughing. Then a certain one of us let out a HOT SEEPER. I am surprised and a little disappointed that there isn't any green cloud visible in this photo. I took this photo not a second after she let it seep out. We all flew off that thing with lightning speed. Good on us! NOT good on the releaser. We know you've got special circumstances but WOW. You are legend.
7/3/08
78:
Rome houses many wondrous things. Amazing history, architecture and culture. The Roman people, like I have heard do all Italians, dress impeccably. Their dedication to fashion and hotness is confusing because it appears so effortless. It seems as though they all just fell out of bed looking fabulous. The only explanation I could conjure was that most Romans have their tailor, hairdresser and makeup artist sleep in their houses with them so as to have them at their beck and call. This is obviously not so, but it just seems so brilliantly impossible to look THAT good for a simple weekday. They just look VERY good most of the time. Even the Italian crew we had whilst shooting were beautifully dressed compared to we American sloths. We Yankees sported tank tops, shorts, whathaveyou...since the SUN is approximately 2 INCHES from your face and you are melting all day long. The Italians wore button down shirts, fitted trousers, fancy leather shoes etc. Also dumbfounding...they don't appear to sweat. I'd be angry if I weren't so flummoxed and happy for them. They are beautiful. Now, if you'll notice, the photos to the right are of a BMW scooter with a ROLL CAGE and SEAT BELT. I noticed these gems from time to time when we were out and about. There are MANY MANY scooters in Rome....THANK YOU VESPA! as it is the easiest form of transport through Rome's winding, cobblestone, ancient streets. I get the whole scooter thing. I love scooters. I drove one when I lived in Asia and was converted. I was at a dealer in Brooklyn this spring ready to fork over a few grand when, standing in line, I heard horror stories about getting licensed in New York and decided it wasn't worth the hasslehoff.
Pantihose, I do still love scooters and will deal with the state of New York when I have the time. The point is.... these ROLL CAGE/SEATBELT scooters cracked me up. They are hideous and retarded. I finally got around to asking one of our Italian crew members what the deal was with these monstrosities.
He looked at me and said, sort of in a way that made me embarrassed that I'd asked because I was obviously a fashion disaster slouchy American;
Hot Well Dressed Italian Crew Member, "Of course it is because a few years ago the government passed a law requiring passengers of all vehicles lacking a roof and a seatbelt to wear a helmet."
Me: "So?"
Hot Well Dressed Italian Crew Member: "Well, we do not wish to ruin our hair by wearing a helmet so we drive these scooters with the top and a seatbelt. "
Me: (IN MY HEAD) "THIS IS THE BEST STORY TO EVER BE TOLD. THE ITALIANS' OBSESSION WITH LOOKING FABULOUS CREATED A MONSTROSITY OF A SCOOTER BUT THE PRESERVATION OF A LIFESTYLE OF SEEMINGLY EFFORTLESS BEAUTY.
AMEN
6/26/08
78:
Yeah, I know I suck lately. I have been out of the country for the past couple weeks on location. That doesn't really matter though because when I am at home and working I am just as ass. I haven't posted in like 3 weeks. It is not because I don't want to, trust me. If I am not working, I am sleeping, and these days I am lucky to get a solid 4 hours a night/day. My body doesn't know what's what. We went from shooting nights in New York to Rome, to shooting nights in Rome, then days after only a half day turn-around. Pantihose, I just got called to set. Must go!
6/5/08
78:
So I'm a still a bit sleep deprived, scatter brained and inaccessible during this movie shoot which is why I've not got a lot of great stuff for posts. There is certainly hilarious stuff going on every day but I haven't got the brain capacity to meld it into anything coherent. I feel like I probably look much as this button to the right, points out. It's sort of, if not a nice way of telling someone that they should probably get some more sleep, eat better and pay attention to what they're wearing, at least a clever way of doing so. What? I wore these cargo pants yesterday? No, I have a few pair of these. What? This is the exact same color? Oh, with the same chicken grease stain from catered lunch yesterday? Oh yeah, well I guess maybe I slept in my clothes. On the couch. With my contacts in. With my bra on. Without brushing my teeth or wearing my retainer. Yeah, I slept like that for those 4 hours that we had to sleep before being right back to the set. So, yeah, shit IS my new style, alright?! And frankly, you've never seen such happy shit. I think it is working for me!
5/29/08
78:
Ohhh, big ups & thanks to 85 for archiving this place and getting our speed back up to bearable. Sorry ladies, I've been awol for the last few weeks. Have been working crazy hours on this current movie. Tons of fun and loving every minute, but pretty much every waking hour is at work and sleeping only 4ish hours a night sort of takes it out of you. Add to that the fact that I did indeed turn the big 3-oh this month, which required celebrating until 3am, followed by having to get up at 5am for work.....and you get the perfect storm. SOOOOO much fun and excited, quickly chased by some serious illness and exhaustion. Pantihose, was worth it. So, I'm not going to go back in time and post for the 3 or so weeks that I missed. I'll just try to do better keeping up from here onwards. I finally checked in tonight and caught up on everyone else's posts. THANK YOU! Loved them. 88, I eat watermelon every day at the craft service table. Luckily, I have not suffered your fate. I do however find issue when I eat the oatmeal they have every morning. Too bad. 73, that quake is horrid, the whole 1 child thing really puts it in perspective. 75, three words:CAMEL TOE CUP. I should have been warned prior to reading that post. Adult diapers, where are you when you are most needed?! 83, I am so thrilled that you got to experience Lady Camp! Uber Fabulous. You are a changed woman! 85, Your visits with the Colonel, Commander & the soldiers are hilarious! I am also very fond of your graphics of late. Well done! Ok, I've been in the trailer all day doing paperwork, I am now FINALLY going to watch some filming. Good times!
4/21/08
78:
"...And in conclusion may I remind you that it DOES NOT say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty!"
Oh, silly Crystal Gayle. You are so playful with your long locks dusting the floor whilst you sit Indian style, knowing something that we don't know.
4/09/08
78:
Stupefaction & Awe, Part III:
Crystal Gayle, I just LOVE what you've done with your 14 foot braid! How convenient in case you come upon a heard of wayward cattle. Your braid could be easily fashioned into a Lasso with which to reign in those wandering doggies! Yee- Haw!
4/1/08
78:
Crystal Gayle: Part 2
Ms. Gayle, I adore the sultry backlit frizzle frazzle of your funky lady locks. If Rapunzel had lived to see 1981, she would have been thrilled by your coif's beauty and intimidated by the obvious competition all at the same time. How do you do it Crystal? You are wondrous. HAPPY FOOL'S DAY. Also, please remember to send brother #1 Birthday greetings this week!
3/27/08
78:
Crystal Gayle. Might we know the secret to your luscious and healthy mane? For, were we mere mortals to have follicles that produce such fabulously vibrant hair we too would stand in fancy slips in front of full length mirrors gazing at our own unfathomable perfection. Split ends be damned!
3/21/08
78:
RANCID ANIMALS on a CERAL BOX?
WTF?!
&
GROSS.
3/11/08
78:
HAPPY 25th YEAR, 83!!! You are a truly ACE CITAG!
When searching images under 'Citag" I came upon this gem to the right. I thought you'd all appreciate it....especially 83 as she is currently enrolled in some highly entertaining courses. This eye-opening pic looks like it would fit right in. Impressive cajones!
3/5/08
78:
I OVER ANALYZE & THINK TOO MUCH.
This is actually the opposite of intelligent.
I need to give it a rest as it hurts people I care about and I can't take the LEG (Lastname Emotional Gut) that occurs as a result.
2/26/08
78:
I spent a wondrous week out west with the family prior to my current gig. It was the perfect end to a nice break between projects. Lots of laughs, stories, late night chat sessions and of course some winter sport and camping. 88 and I enjoyed a weekend winter camping and snow shoeing across a frozen lake and up some mountains. It was AWESOME! So great to be out in nature and with the beauty of nature's best mountains: The Rocky Mountains. Who knew that we were so out of shape?!? We wound up hiking up the hills at a rate of about 10 steps to every full minute of hyperventilate/frozen/burning lungs and nostrils. It was EXCELLENT! Once we hit the top we were pretty pumped to sled down on little pink discs that we'd hauled up. "Not so fast," said the mountain. They were useless. We wound up hiking , rolling, and diving head first down the mountain. Was such a blast! Thanks for all the SEMIT DOOG 88!
2/21/08
78:
MAYJAH!
More to follow...
2/15/08
78:
Have been on the road for one last week before I head back to NYC and a new project. Lots to tell but too lazy to do so. Bit of a looser again. At least I am saying so. Many thanks to 85 for trying to keep us all in order. Did attend a SPICE GIRLS reunion concert with 83 & 85. Brilliant.
2/5/08
78:
Whilst in Fabulous Florida last month 85 and I were lucky to be able to hit Disney World with some Ace Citags for a girls' weekend. We enjoyed many good times frequenting the parks, hotels, attractions and eateries. A weekend for the record books; bonding, late night chats in the hot tub where maybe a little too much information was shared. Family stories, personal bests, hopes, fears etc. These chats continued during our long waits in line for rides such as the Tower of Terror and the Rock'n' Roller Coaster, starring Aerosmith. These lines are a good hour or so a piece so we all got in a really satisfying mix of good, deep convos as well as rabidly hilarious yarns. At one point in the line for the Rock'n' Roller Coaster, starring Aerosmith, 85 and I were deep in sister convo whilst next to us the Colonel's wife and Jennie Garth were in the midst of their own discussion. I was asking 85 what sort of memories she had of childhood etc. I mentioned that I remembered going to watch her play volleyball back when I was in high school and she was in elementary school. To this she very seriously replied, "Yeah, back when you COULD come to watch me play...up until I got CUT from the team my Senior year." Ummm oooops, I'd forgotten that mishap. I quickly tried to smooth the situation by asking how that went down and how she'd felt about it as it was quite obvious that she'd not processed it all the way and put it to bed yet, etc. etc. Thinking I could soften the blow by reminding her that maybe she'd had comrades who'd also been 'let go' that season, I asked if anyone else had been cut. (Although I must say that I don't understand 85 having been cut in the first place. If memory serves, she had a wickedly accurate serve and was a skilled defensive specialist). Pantihose. Asking if anyone else had been cut is a mistake that I will forever be grateful for making. I haven't laughed that close to wetting myself in years. I was doubled over in pain, gasping for air and grasping for a hold on something fixed so as to not fall over (note:even though Disney World is run like a military operation and quite tidy, the ground is unavoidably filthy and touching it with one's hands is not acceptable). Regardless, I was able to stay on my feet/squat whilst enjoying one of those laughs that is so full bellied and uncontrollable that there is no sound coming from you other than the hand slapping one's thigh, tears trickling down the cheek and the silent shout for oxygen. A real unattractive Edvard Munch's "The Scream" type of roar, only happy. It was probably more to do with the almost violent bitterness with which 85 spat out her response combined of course with the ridiculousness of her reasoning that was so side splitting but it was beautiful. It took me a couple of minutes to be able to talk and recreate the scene and story for the Colonel's Wife and Jennie Garth who doubled over as well even though they hadn't witnessed the original brilliance. 85 eventually joined in and had a good hardy har har but still maintained a touch of bitterness and confusion as to why we all thought it was so hilarious. Granted you probably had to be there, but for what it's worth....when I asked 85 if anyone else had been cut, she tersely, serious as a heart attack replied with:
"YEAH ! TAMRA C#$%O!, WHO;
1) WORE A KNEE BRACE !
2) WAS SLIGHTLY RETARDED !
3) AND F AT !
LIKE PEOPLE HAD TO READ FOR HER AND HELP HER TAKE TESTS BY SUGGESTING THROUGH THEIR BODY LANGUAGE WHICH MULTIPLE CHOICE ANSWER WAS CORRECT!"
Ahhhh, even now, writing it out, thinking about it and reliving it makes me cry a little chuckle. We all had a great ab workout in that line. Thank you 85. Thank you a thousand times.
1/21/08
78:
I AM SUCH A LOSER! WE ARE ALL PRETTY BIG LOSERS THIS WEEK! It is Friday (25th) and I was supposed to post on Monday (21st). I AM A LOSER. I actually have a pretty hilarious story but I'll save it for next week as it deserves some attention and proper manufacturing. Pantihose, we all need to pull it together ladies. We are sucking it up! LOSERS! (Although 85 did get hers in pretty close. Good on you 85)!
1/16/08
78:
I was in the countryside last week with 75 to celebrate her Birthday. We went for a little jaunt through the rolling hills and loveliness of their 'hood. She asked if I wanted to see a real embarrassment of the area and I of course was keen. We drove over a stream and around a bend and came upon what seemed to be an old farmhouse that had been derelict and empty for many years. As we approached I realized that this property was FAR from empty. On the contrary, it was a collection of derbis unmatched by any other I've seen....and we all know of a certain place that was quite impressive. There is no need for me to describe any of it...the photos will do the talking. You only need know that it IS NOT a junk yard. It is simply the property of some Ace Hoarders who filled the old house to CAPACITY with derbis and have since moved into a trailer across the lane. Wow.
DERBIS PATROL!
1/08/08
78:
!HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO 75!
1/1/08
78:
HAPPY NEW YEAR CITAGS!!!!!
Well, ladies. Today is our 1st anniversary. CONGRATULATIONS! I think our little project has proven to be a success. I feel like I know each of you a little better in ways that I'd not expected that have been fabulous. Turns out some of you are funnier than I thought. Kudos! I am most pleased that I feel connected to all of you more than I have in a long time. I mean, I feel connected to all of us. I've always felt really connected to at least a couple of the sisters on any given year but this year I feel like I know and am in contact with all of you on a very regular basis and I love it! So, here's to a great 2008! May I suggest you look back in the archive and see what you all wrote for 2007. Let's do the same for 2008...just email my 78 account with your plans.
Be great in 2008!
12/31/07
"Do ya Douche?!" "Do ya Douche?!"
Those were the first words out of my best friend's mouth the moment I met her. Today is her 30th birthday. A Holiday. I met her in Chicago on her 22nd birthday. She was a laugh riot. Still is. A real ACE Citag. I know that many of you have met her and love her just as dearly. Aren't we lucky there are other fabulous Citags out there? At the end of this, our first year of sicsisters, I am grateful for all six of my sisters... including La Douche.
12/17/07
78:
I found this gem prominently displayed in a Brooklyn fire extinguisher shop. There are not many things in life quite as thoroughly satisfying as feeling both comfortable and classy in the workplace. I'm betting that the women of this company feel very, very lucky. And probably liberated and respected as well. Hand in hand, you know.
12/12/07
78:
I spent last weekend bonding and laughing with 85 in Fabulous Florida. We partook of many GOOD TIMES, most of which did NOT involve fat-dogging. Blasphemy, I know! Who knew that could even happen!?! This was pretty much due to the fact that we spent most of the weekend with a friend who is a big DO-ER and hasn't yet mastered the art of the lounge. We will work on her.
85's digs are really cute and so close to the beach. I am eagerly anticipating my triumphant return to "La Maison de la Fat-Dog, Sud" when I will hang more with 85, read on the beach and see a little more of the area. Which, turns out...is THE DEEP SOUTH. Or at least the border of it. I'd not expected to be plopped right in the middle of the Bible Belt when I touched down at the JAX airport. I saw more churches in this, our nation's largest city (geographically), than I have since my attendance at the Lord's University! Of course back then there was really just one denomination on every corner but in FL, in the Bible Belt, it was a variation of Christian themes. SO many pre-schools attached to just about every church you could imagine. Lovely little neighborhood chapels all the way up to big ol' Mega Churches. Pantihose, there were tons of crosses, Christmas Nativities etc. of all sizes...some of the most entertaining being the HUGE billboard style wise men that hover over a major highway. Classy. Praise.
I digress. My favorite part of the religiosity of the area presented itself on my way out of town. At the airport, where quite logically, I usually prefer to do my churching. I was headed to my gate when I came upon the sign below (far left). I thought, "Hmmm, Meditation, that's nice. I wonder if they have yoga mats and stuff." I peeped around a corner to find the door to the Chapel (24 Hrs. Provided by Jacksonville Port Ministries). When I opened the door, it became crystal clear (Crystal Pepsi clear) that I'd walked into a HOLY room all over which the set decorator from Designing Women had thrown up...after he'd finished reading an Anne Rice novel. The plaster of the Bible is a nice touch, don't you think?
HUMMUS & HUGGIES
12/4/07
78:
Hummus anyone? Oh, and while we're in the refrigerated section, that reminds me, I need to stock up on some Huggies and Luvs.
This was at a small grocery store in Brooklyn that caters to the local Hasidic Jewish community. I had to swing by to pick up some Dreidels and fake gold chocolate candy as today was the first day of Chanukah. They have a lot of young children. It makes sense that they'd sell diapers. Obviously enough to warrant moving all of the meats out of the refrigerated coolers and stocking it chock full of diapers.
Really? That's what you're going to go with? This? This T-shirt? That's why you're hot? You are 11 years old, prematurely pubescent but you are still 11. You are playing in the children's playground at Central Park as you are a CHILD. This T-shirt is meant for girls who are old enough to be ho-tastic or whoretacular(I learned this 'tastic' and 'tacular' suffix thing from a new Latin friend who is very wise...please use them to enrich your world and enlighten others). You are 11. You are not yet allowed to be ho-tastic or whoretacular. Do your parents know that you sport this shirt? AT THE PLAYGROUND? Please. Enjoy the very little time left you've got as a child. Store that shirt in a safe place but don't wear it now. Remember where you put it because you're going to need it in about four years when you make an appearance on Maury or Montel or Tyra or Jerry Springer to receive the paternity results on your baby's daddy.
Random blast from the past.
78:
11/13/07
I've got nothing this week. Pretty standard. Lady camp was so much fun I can hardly stand it but you guys are all so sick and tired of hearing about it that I probably shouldn't shove it down your throats any further. 85 was able to attend though and I think that she had a pretty fair time as well. We met some real ace citags and laughed and laughed late into the night. Good times. Neat.
Alright, as I've got nothing I figured I'd post this old photo from my days in Asia. I was reloading these photos onto my laptop the other night and I came across this gem. I look at it now and am not mesmerized by the ironic hilarity I thought it surely possessed at the time. I remember thinking that it was highly amusing that a culture that ate a street vendor snack that smelled of tofu fried in thick dark yellow horse urine/yeast infection, topped off with a dash of testicular fumunda cheese and all around rancidity would take the care to worry about defacing city buses. As far as I was concerned, my entire being was defaced every time I had the unholy nightmare of walking past a street market or corner vendor. I am grateful for the city buses though and the strict clean policy that specific department enforced...it was the one clean place with somewhat sterile air. It was a great escape from the madness that permeated every other aspect of that area. Also, they had brilliant sweet popcorn at their movie theaters.
10/29/07
78:
I'm in Miami prepping for another Camp Bombshell this weekend. It looks to be the last of Camp Bombshell version 1.0. A lot of exciting things brewing around these parts, which will make future camps all the more fun and amazing. I must admit however that I'm a little sad as this is a bit of the ending of an era. This will be the last of the true grass roots, organic, home-made camps. I'm pumped to see how they progress from here but wish that all of you could have been part of one of these original camps. LUCKILY, 85 is going to be able to join us at this one, very last minute. I'm so excited for her to come and take part and grateful for her generosity! See you Friday 85!
10/23/07
78:
I feel that for our next sister read we should do the book"THE DOCTOR'S WIFE" by Elizabeth Brundage. 83 just gave me this book last night and I started reading it on the subway this morning. Of course we should discuss THE GLASS CASTLE by Jeannette Walls before moving on to the Doctor's Wife but so far I am loving this author. One of her characters speaks the way we do. It grabs you instantly as is evident from this early bit. "I wanted it to be over, I wanted him to be somewhere else, buried deep in the ground where no one would ever look and in the spring it would be covered with flowers and those lovely fluffy dandelions that you can blow into a thousand pieces. I used to do that when I was little and I used to wish for things but I never got what I asked for and now, in retrospect, when I consider my unrelenting devotion to Jesus, I have to say that I am sorely disappointed."
Her unrelenting devotion to Jesus! This is an awesome line because she is being totally serious and sarcastic at the same time. Brilliant.
Also, 85 got me onto Perez Hilton's site where you can sample the new Spice Girls single, "Headlines"...... SPICE UP YOUR LIFE! http://perezhilton.com/?p=7500
10/17/07
78:
First of all: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO 73!!!!!!!! Many happy returns sent to the middle kingdom!
Please celebrate your Birthday by viewing the following gem from last week's Saturday Night Live. Bjork & Charles Barkley in an Iconoclasts conversation. Brilliant!
"Two humans. With mouths. Making noises. That are words."
Click Image to View Video
10/08/07
78:
Wow, ladies. We've been really sucking it up lately. I'm first to admit that I've been a conductor on the suck train. Work has been super busy and I feel like I barely have time to sleep let alone email and post. Anyway, I know we're all busy but let's try to kick it up a notch and actually get posts up. So, I've been reading this book about China that Dad gave me. It's really good but I've had to stop reading it during the week because it makes me so mad that it poisons my work days. I usually read on the train to and from work but this book is just too serious and tells of too many horrid and hopeless things that went on during the Mao years that it gets me in a bad mood. Anyway, fascinating but a real downer. Any suggestions for easy fun reads?
9/19/07
78:
I came upon this gem on my way to work. I will inquire as to availability for myself and 83 in the coming days.
"THE GRAHAM HOME FOR OLD LADIES"
9/10/07
78:
Although I am not a fan of the feline persuasion nor do I necessarily believe that animals were meant to be domesticated.... the cat highlighted in the below link is a being to me admired. This fat cat is probably the most naturally accomplished FAT-DOGGER I've ever seen! We could learn a few things from this...oh, I'm going to say it....this cat. This cat is a GENIUS! A true FAT-DOGGING Champion!
Take a peak and take notes....we have much to learn, ladies!
Exhibit A: BEANIE BABIES? Really? One of the main headings on the aisle sign at King's Pharmacy in Brooklyn is BEANIE BABIES? Does anyone go to the pharmacy and run through the mental shopping list in their heads and think, "Ok, toilet paper....I need to find the "PAPER PRODUCTS aisle. Twizzlers, I should look for the "CANDY" aisle. Aspirin, that's going to be in the MEDICINES aisle....and before I go I'd better get myself a Beanie Baby, what aisle was that again? Oh, that's right, The BEANIE BABIES / 1996 called and it wants its childish fad back, aisle"
Exhibit B: The Powerful Praise Tabernacle; Williamsburg, Brooklyn. "THERE'S NO PRAISE LIKE A POWERFUL PRAISE!" !AMEN!
Exhibit C: The grandaddy of all tacky truckticles..... cast metal!
8/28/07
78:
What the hell?!? My ass has apparently turned into a slaughterer of stitched fabric. For the second time in the span of a month I have found my ass hanging out of a breezy gap running the length of my rather Native crack. There was no rip or tear this time. Just the notion of a breeze. I was simply fat-dogging on the couch whilst wearing one of my favorite HUGE, UMBRO, old-school athletic short holdovers from my youth and years on sports teams when I noticed that there seemed to be too much freedom when rolling over. I shouted to 83 that I'd done it again. My ass is running rampant on a spree of 2nd degree faux couture murders! She was so pleased that this particular pair of fashion offending papery shorts had seen their best days and didn't hesitate to mention that those days had passed over 10 years ago. I had to concur. They were ghetto, way too big, and unsightly, to boot. Instead of getting out a needle and thread and darning them, as I would have in the past, during my particularly cheapskate years, I marched them off to the litter bin. It was a sad day. Luckily, 83 modeled them for me one last time so I'll always have this photo to remind me of all the hours spent in the gym whilst wearing some of 1994's best baggy Umbro shorts, the breeze flowing through the papery fabric as I sprinted with my teammates. Well, not as breezy as they wound up on the couch...
8/22/07
78:
I co-hosted my friend's XM Radio talk show as her normal partner-in-crime was on vacation this week. Was a ton of fun. She's a laugh riot. I am humored by her fascination with the lifestyle & culture we were privy to as youngsters. I think she might have made a good Molly.
8/13/07
78:
As I walked over to our little kitchen/snack area at work I glanced over and saw that one of the people in my office was just staring straight ahead at her wall cubicle. She is usually very quiet and remains under the radar as she is sort of her own department, hidden in a dark and dreary back cubicle. Add to those facts that the rest of us don't really understand what she does, so we all stay out of her business aside from the obligatory greetings etc. Some people don't even bother with those. Anyway, this girl has always been very nice but very fringe and not necessarily talkative.
When I glanced over and saw her staring at the wall directly in front of her without even the pretend bunch of paperwork or computer interaction that most of us keep in our pretending-to-work tool belts, I sort of smiled and said, "Rough day, huh?"
To this she responded, without missing a beat,
"Oh, I'm working. It's just invisible."
INVISIBLE work! I love it! This is my new favorite fact of life. I think most people in offices have done their fair share of INVISIBLE work. Now I won't ever think twice about having a break or nothing to do, or just spacing out....
I'm working.
Hard.
At all times.
On INVISIBLE projects.
8/3/07
78:
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiip! Is the sound that my pants made as the seam ripped from the crotch up the back to mid-crack. I was hailing a cab last night as I had to get some stuff to the set of the movie I'm working on right-quick like. It has been extraordinarily hot and humid here in New York, causing all fabric to stick to skin in awkward places and angles as all skin is wet due to the weather - AKA Satan's Spittoon. The cab that pulled over was an SUV and so I had to sort of jump up and in. This caused irregular stress on my trousers as they were stuck to my skin in a lot of random places. These pants usually hang quite loosely and freely....but not on a day when the boiling saliva of hell is kicking ass and taking names. That's when I heard the RIP! and thought, hmmmmm, I didn't really think pant splitting happened in real life. I shut the door, told the driver my destination and sat in the taxi, bare-assed, contemplating my next play. This is when I suddenly realized that I wasn't wearing any underwear. This is of course rather standard since I learned years ago from some friends that going commando serves a multitude of purposes, not the least of which is the lack of a VPL (visible panty line). Anyway, my pants were ripped through the seam in the ass/crack and I had to deliver some stuff. I got to the set, gingerly worked my way out of the cab, covered my ass with a manila envelope carrying the documents to be delivered and sought out the wardrobe trailer. All was well in the end....hahahah, the end, as the wardrobe girls hooked me up with a sweatshirt to wrap around my waist. I'm on my way to return that to the set in about 5 minutes... I'll leave out the part about not washing it before returning.
10 years ago yesterday, Hometown High School Friend (HHSF) was killed. Ten years. Ten years that the rest of us have been busy with university, jobs, marriages, children etc. HHSF will always be in an Orange & Black uniform, ball gowns in the band, and light blue Chevy. Memories that stop there. I've always gone by her house to catch up with her parents the few times I've returned to Hometown in the past ten years. I last saw them earlier this year whilst on my travel tour and they keep on keeping' on but they've aged 20 years in the last 10. No grandkids. No daughter.
6/22/07
78:
This is where I've spent the last week.
Enough said.
6/13/07
78:
In response to 85's plea of last week for ideas on a name for her beach house in sunny errr ummm monsooned Florida...
"The Beached Fat-Dog"
"Fat-Dog Farms"
"Fatdoggin Donjon" (aka dungeon or inner tower or stronghold)
"La maison de la reine de fatdog, Sud"
"Big Horn Plantation"
"Semit Doog Sands"
"Semit Doog Shores"
"The SiCastle" (hehe, get it, a la sicsistersand sandcastle?)
"Morningwood"
"Heritage Acres"
"Littoral Vassinahl Disschairge' (look it up, the last 2 words are obvious)
Other thoughts.....?
6/7/07
78: Shoot. We've all been really bad over the past couple of weeks about keeping up with our posts. I prove my own point by posting Thursday's entry on Friday. Things have just been sort of crazy lately for a lot of us with travel, graduations, the funeral etc. I think we're all back on our home turf now though and ready for summer and regular schedules to come back. It's been nice here in New York. Beautiful weather, especially if you don't count the humidity. Luckily I get to go out a few times a day from my office to run errands, otherwise I wouldn't be outdoors at all and able to enjoy the loveliness of late spring/early summer. My job is going well. I think I'll only be here for another 2 to 3 weeks. Although I love it and am learning a lot, I think I'm going to have to cancel my attendance to the upcoming girls' week upstate with FunLaura and cronies as I won't be finished here as early as I'd thought. That really bums me out. Anyway, nothing here is organized and I'm not even going to proofread it. Haven't heard from 73 in over a week. Anyone else? Hope she's feeling better. Enjoy the weekend, everyone. Frisbee in Central Park. Good times.
5/25/07
78:
How about that overly publicized train wreck on THE VIEW? Gotta love that crap, at least for a couple of minutes. A hard core throw-down between those two ridiculously extreme opinionated ladies was a long time coming. For lack of a want to brainstorm and write about something interesting, I jump on the bandwagon and attach their clip just like every other rubber-necker.
Oops. Sorry, I forgot that it was my turn to post. Had a great weekend and great Birthday celebrations followed by some fun time in Central Park. We met a very interesting dude named Tim, who loves Jesus. Jesus is his homeboy. This was surprising as he was so good looking, tall, funny, well dressed, well educated, from the Western United States and generally attractive in most ways. Good conversationalist...at least he really liked to hear himself talk. When the convo suddenly turned to how much he loves Jesus, it was all out entertainment for the rest of the afternoon. 75 is sure that he was smoking something. I'm pretty sure that particular strain of leaf is called the Lord.
5/8/07
78:
I got nothing. No complaints. After three months of fabulous travel and reconnection with friends and family, I've returned home and have more or less been living easy. Yesterday afternoon 88 and I spent a couple of hours playing Frisbee and soccer in Central Park. We ran into a two time Oscar winning actress whilst playing Frisbee, wandered around the park and midtown and then headed home to nap. Yep, that's right; nap. How I love a good nap. Today I configured Wi-Fi in our apartment so now we have our own network. A successful day any way you slice it. Next week I'm going to hang with 75 and her kids as it is my and 75's son's Bday as well as 75's daughter's graduation from preschool. A very exciting week of relaxation and campfire tunes with our guitars around their fire pit. The next phase is coming along as planned and I am wondering if I should be more stressed about it than I am. Maybe not. Maybe I should just go with the goodness and take it as it comes. Life is good.
5/2/07 78:
Wow, Welcome back to New York!
After having spent the last three months traveling in the company of family and friends who are generally happy and glad to be alive, I came home last night to good ol' asshole filled New York City. I went to my local grocer today to get some milk and bananas. I parked myself in the 10 Items or Less Express line and noticed that the woman in front of me had between 15 & 20 items. I didn't think much of it until the woman became a total and heinous bitch to the checkout girl. The checker mentioned to the lady that this was the Express line, in a sort of, 'hey, just so you know for next time, this is the Express lane,' kind of thing. The customer shot back with a loud and angry diatribe about how the checker should just shut up and give her her food and that there is no difference between her buying the items all at once or if she and her daughter divided it up and paid separately, blah, blah, blah. It was an extraordinarily inappropriate response to the checker's comment, in volume, venom, and violent physicality. This NYC born and bred lady and her 20 something daughter were just nasty and nastier. She was really working herself up and the checker girl just kept saying, I didn't say anything other than, this is the Express lane. I was right behind Bitchy McBitch and just sort of calmly said, "You know, she's just doing her job. I'm sorry you seem to be having a bad day but that's no reason to cause such an uncomfortable scene for everyone." (As the whole store was now staring at this woman and her daughter in disbelief...and these are New Yorkers! They've seen it all). Of course, that was a big mistake as she and her daughter now aimed their hatred toward me and spewed out a string of hideosity that I had a hard time not laughing at because it was all so ridiculous. When they paused for air, I just said, "Well, it really is too bad that you're so miserable but there is no reason to take it out on the whole store. You will just go home as angry and sad as ever and the rest of us will just go home happy that we're not you." Now, I admit, this wasn't really nice of me but after she'd more or less just insulted my whole family, intelligence and existence I thought it necessary to at least respond. To this she replied, "I'll take this up with you outside, if you want!" and walked out with her groceries. Awesome. It's good to be back!
4/20/07
78:
I'm in Florida helping to get ready for the big Camp Bombshell weekend next week. We've just had a meeting and all I can say is that I really should have pushed you guys to come. It is going to be so awesome! Lady camp is the best thing I've done in a really long time and the way it enriches and bonds women is amazing. I'm so excited to be able to be a part of it and to witness the inspiring changes that are about to take place in these women's lives. There is still time to sign up and get on down here... There will be another camp in FL this fall and a Spa weekend in CT as well. The bunking in cabins thing though along with all of the typical camp activities are my favorite. Zip line anyone? Seriously look at next Fall's dates ladies!
4/12/07
78:
Many shout-outs of thanks to my good friend Jenny R. If not for our wondrous reunion last week, I'd continue to think of Roast Beef in mundane nutritional/protein terms. With the knowledge she's bestowed, I will NEVER eat RB again. Luckily, I never liked it. I'd no idea, however, there were reasons entirely not related to the processing and packaging of meat that would make it impossible to even contemplate eating it again. For that, Jenny R., I salute you.
In keeping with that theme; last night I had dinner with our beloved Douche. She was kind enough to bring up kehsemik (sp). Ahh, the joys of having clever friends.
4/2/07
78:
Uggghh, I'm in a funk. I'm starting to over-think whilst on this whole travel expedition. What am I doing? What have I accomplished? Look how much I HAVEN'T accomplished. I had a far more promising future ahead of me than how it's turned out. Yesterday I spent the day reminiscing and catching up with an old book friend. We worked and lived together our first summer on the field but haven't really been in touch since. Almost 10 years. We hooted and hollered at each other's horror stories from the bookfield. That job was like having been in a war with people. No matter the varied personalities, those kids were your comrades. You could trust and rely on them. They'd watch your back and would understand what you're talking about when you say you've just had a bookmare. It is the weirdest and hardest thing to explain to people who didn't experience it. I mean, most people have some sort of experience where they feel bonded with a group etc. but books was a very unique hell/thrill. That whole thing ran like a super passionate religion or cult. We worked extraordinarily hard during those summers and that type of hardship and bizarre experience bonds people. I have a sort of nostalgic and protected place in my heart for all the other crazies that I sold with, especially my first summer. It was sort of the worst and best thing I did in my young adulthood. That sort of, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, but in a backwards way I'd wish it on my best friend. That doesn't make sense and I won't even waste my time trying to. It was just really bitter sweet meeting up with my old bookfriend. We went through the same purgatory together and will always have that freakish bond...as we would with any other alumni of the bookfield - whether we'd ever met them before or not. It's nice to be understood like that. It was just so odd to see her now, as we're both at least supposed to be full adults. Living adult lives. Blah, Blah, Blah. It just made me sort of sad for all of the what could have, would have, should have been if I'd left that experience on a positive note instead of a defeated one. Back then, we were so damned positive and motivated and thought we could do anything, and we did. 9 years on, my first summer on that bookfield is just a mismatched batch of horrible and amazingly triumphant memories and people. Mainly the people. Both the people that I experienced it with and the thousands of people on who's doors I knocked; the Mr. & Mrs. Joneses of America. I wish I'd remained in better contact with the people I worked with and I wish I'd kept better mental notes on the amazing things I learned through the Joneses. When I was young and ballsy I never anticipated how hard it would be to make real connections with people once I became a regular old run- of-the mill boring adult. Obviously, our sister relationships are what keep me sane and tethered, but I miss the thrill and satisfaction of being amongst a constant barrage of new and interesting people like you're exposed to when you're in college. Motivated, energetic, honest because they've not yet been jaded, successful because they work hard, good people. Now, I'm tired, a little beaten, and have lost some of my faith in people. Being a grownup is not all it's cracked up to be.
3/29/07
78:
Hi guys. I'm in Reno/Tahoe this week and the adventures continue on my 3 month relaxation tour. Since I've been on the road since mid February, I wasn't able to watch the Oscars and all of the glorious fashion that is on display there. Until the other night... Luckily, our good friend La Douche Tivo'd it and I was able to partake of the show celebrating all of the showpeople. It was loooooooong and mostly boring but there was one brilliant moment where the heavens opened and the Christchild himself sang out as the camera panned to the audience and particularly the box seating Quincy Jones and his, brilliantly hilarious as Karen on The Office, daughter, Rashida. As the photo reveals she had been the chosen one. As it was she who above all other show folk had been anointed to wear the first ball gown designed by the genius collaborative efforts of Laura Ashley and Osh Kosh B'gosh. Soak it in ladies and take notes on the lines and fabrics as THIS is the future of fashion!
3/20/07
78:
Went to the Griffith Observatory in LA's Griffith Park today with good ol' E.T. from the hood. It's been a lot of fun hanging with her and chatting about old times, childhood in small hometown and wondering whatever happened to so and so. We've only seen each other about 5 times in the last 10 years but it's always smooth and easy and as if no time has passed. She's good people. Turns out she is quite skilled at the fat-dogging. I'd no idea we were so similar. I've always thought of her as a real go-getter, active...a trailblazer, if you will, and I think you will. Which she is...in her day life...but that girl sure does appreciate a good 30 second quick-change into fat-dog clothes, immediately followed by assuming the position in front of the tube. She thought the same of me and was pleased to know that I am quite satisfied to sit around and lounge. Good times, indeed. Pantihose, we did get out today and do the observatory and the little show that they have in the planetarium dome thingy. There was a point at which they explain that the whole universe is basically composed of stardust and that in fact we are all made of stardust. Soon after, a scene of the heavens splashed across the ceiling and E.T. sneezed. Without missing a beat...she sort of apologetically, whilst annoyed at the apparent catalyst of the sneeze, said out of the corner of her mouth... "Hmmm, Stardust." That's one funny Homie.
3/12/07
78:
I'm in sunny California this week. I've been staying in what they call the Hi(gh) Desert (Mojave) and am now in Pasadena. As my friend S and I drove into Pasadena last night I rolled down the window to take advantage of the weather and to surf my hand and arm in the wind. I was accosted by the smell of flowers. It wasn't like a lovely bouquet either...more like the alley behind the FTD shop after an unsuccessful week of sales during Valentine's or Mother's Days. Not that the dying floral arrangement aroma wasn't a nice change from the usual cesspool of bodyrot (subway) and general garbage on the streets of New York but still, it was a bit overpowering. Allegra, Benadryl and Clariton must have a corner on this town.
GOOD LUCK HOUSE HUNTING OVERSEAS THIS WEEK 73! TRAVEL SAFELY!!!!!!
3/1/07
78:
Ok, I've already written this assface post once and lost it via a few keystrokes that I still can't retrace. Pantihose. I am in week three of the most glorious recovery tour ever. I have seen family and friends in three states so far and I've slept, read, lounged, played, eaten, slept, slept and slept. The sleeping is really good. I thought that maybe the monotony of the lethargy in which I participate on this tour would get old. It hasn't. I am currently in Portland visiting friends from college. I'm staying in downtown Portland with the hilarious Monique Upandunder. She has a beautifully modern new condo in a fab new building and has been the most hospitable host of all time. This is nothing new. I enjoyed her generosity ten years ago whilst in college. Monique is of a unique breed. She knows how to fat-dog like we do. Not only does she share the superior lounging skills of a true bed-sore veteran...she is the person who introduced me to Waiting for Guffman, lo those many years ago. I am thus eternally indebted to her. She really taught me a few things about lounging today. We slept in, ate some great food, tooled around on our laptops, watched a bunch of talk shows and stayed in our pajamas until 4:00 when we decided that we should go outside at least once today. A field trip across the street to the local grocery so that we can continue our fat-dogging with good food stuff. Monique's condo has a really great view so we spent a good portion of the day on the couches, looking out the window, into other people's windows...through binoculars. Fine fun indeed. We decided that this whole fat-dogging scenario would be the perfect cover if perhaps the FBI needed to spy on the inhabitants of any of the surrounding office or apartment buildings. Having two agents in PJs, lounging about, surfing the web and leering through binoculars is probably not that far off from reality. Except, we were eating Monique's homemade lemon blackberry scones instead of donuts.
2/19/07
78:
Dang! Sorry I've been so out of it ladies. I've been away from the city and sleeping in every day and it is glorious. Not as glorious as 83's gas but glorious nonetheless. Anyway, something fab happened today. I am visiting la Douche and her pharmacy and we went to a video store tonight to get some flicks. It's a total local-yocal store. A one-off ma and pop shop run by the town's teenage kids (who are of course pleasant and helpful---this is the land of the shiny, happy people holding hands, after all). Pantihose, la Douche and I were browsing the selections to the sweet sounds of Agnetha, Benny, Bjorn & FridA over the loud speakers and the visual enticements of their fashion & dance stylings via plasma screens throughout. It was the ABBA GOLD video! You know 75....the one you bought for me for Christmas like my sophomore year of college. It was SO beautiful! La Douche mentioned that EVERY time she frequents this store it seems to be playing. It sort of bugged her but I knew I had found my Mecca. I'm glad to know that there are places in the workd that show the ABBA GOLD video in all its brilliant hideosity. There are more of us. We are out there...
2/9/07
78:
BORN FREE, AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS...!
Hallelujah!
My last day of working for Arnold Hunter (pseudonym for the boss I recently fired...AH...a$$hole) has past. I am now free. FREE! A new day has dawned and it feels like spring, even in this frigid weather. I'm not going to waste time trying to be funny or witty here as I feel too liberated to do anything other than express joy and thanks. With words, I can't do justice to the overwhelming sense of freedom, relief, hope, and that whole 'the world is your oyster' thing. Thus, I've left it to the ol' pros at the MOTAB. Turn up your speakers and take it in ladies. Heartfelt thanks and love for all of your support through my time as an in indentured slave to AH. 83 has been a particularly appreciated source of comfort and hilarity. A special shout-out to my friends R & S who so kindly kept me sane over the last year and helped me to implement and survive a very effective exit strategy.
Enjoy!
01/29/07
78:
Wow, sorry my post is so late today. I actually have a couple of different things to write about but not the time to do them justice. I'll make sure to bring it for my next turn. At this point I am so suffocated by wrapping things up in order to take a leave from the city that I can hardly keep my head above water. So, I will just remind you all about what could be considered a Humanity Bible. And yes, I really mean it that much. For being able to deal with all the assfaces out there I know of no better resource. Enjoy a reread of: NASTY PEOPLE by Jay Carter. Jay Carter should probably be canonized or whatever that sainthood thing is. He should really look into it.
Shoot! I forgot that it was my day to post. Maybe that's because of the gloom and bummness that has been hovering around my house this week. My household officially has the depression. The last time this happened was when 75 came to visit a couple of years ago. After she left it hung around like a lingering fart, which lasted like 4 months. We stopped going to the gym. We stopped going out. We had the depression.
Well it's back.
One of my favorite people came for a visit last weekend. It was a big deal. She arranged it months ago. Her rockin' awesome husband took time off from work to stay home with their kids so that she could come and have a girlie weekend with me, 83 and 75 in NYC. We've been friends since the day in college, years ago, when she ran up to me and shouted giddily, "Do ya douche!? Do ya douche!?" We'd never met but we had a mutual friend, to whom I'd sent a joke email a couple of months prior. An email which contained a story about a certain feminine hygiene company sponsoring my and 73's professional billiards tour through Japan. The supposed mantra of our fans via our sponsorship was, "Do you douche?" So, I knew I was going to love this bitch straight away. I mean, we'd never met but she'd read that email and had the balls to introduce herself by shouting out, "Do ya douche?! Do ya douche?!" Brilliant, she is. Brilliant.
Over the years 75 and 83 have met and fallen in love with her as well. She's a great friend and we all adore her. We'd been looking forward to her trip with lots of excitement. The weekend lived up to every expectation and we all laughed and hollered until the wee hours of each morning. Then she went back to the airport and home. Ughhh. That's when the depression set in. 83 and I have moped around ever since. We miss la Douche. If everyone had their own Douchebag the world would be a better place....until that is their Douche had to return to her own life.
78:
I don't have anything fantastic or exciting to share. I did have an extremely mundane dental appointment today that turned out to be quietly hilarious. I spent an hour in the dentist's chair this morning and for an for 45 minutes of that visit it was pretty standard drilling, swishing, and trying to get my lips around that little suction thing so that it could suck out all the water and spit. This is extraordinarily difficult when your mouth is so numb that you have no idea where your lips are...all you know is that they feel like they might be hanging around your collar bone.
Also, for the purpose of this story it is helpful to know that my dentist is a very professional and capable woman. Both qualities that one would want in a Dr. of the mouth. She is not necessarily known for her humor or wit.
During a dental visit there is the general polite conversation for about 5 minutes and then it's just a lot of the dentist asking for different tools and lighting etc. and then the only sounds are the drilling, water suction and a little elevator music in the background. This is pretty much what was happening up until 45 minutes into the visit. Then an amazing thing happened. The song on the background, mindless, pleasant medical office musical station changed. The dental assistant turned up the volume throughout the office without saying a word and all of a sudden both she and my dentist starting singing along to, "Do you know the way to San Jose?" Not just humming along. Actually singing...with feeling... from behind their protective masks, which is even funnier because all you can see is their eyes and their eyes are concentrating on treating your teeth and not expressing the music. I wouldn't be surprised if by my next visit in 6 months they've worked out a little choreography. Who knew? San Jose.
