Just a couple a Bitches hangin' out in the Cracker Barrel parking lot.
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12/17/08
83:
So. Abnormal Psych is a fun and actually interesting class. Am glad the semester is winding down, but will miss this one.
However. I will not miss Kevin.
He has a comment for every topic.
Dude.
Shut up.
What you say is Really Boring.
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| 12/10/08
83:
Mmmmm...Chinese food. The bloat is worth it.
78 and I have sort of gotten over the chinese delivery.
It lasted quite a long time.
Sure. We'll probably order a good many more times from our fave 'Happy Garden/Happy Tortilla' before our exodus to the west coast, but for now, we're over it.
There is but one issue.
Every time we hear the door buzzer for our downstairs neighbors, we start salivating.
It's very Pavlovian.
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| 12/3/08
83:
Ok ladies. We all have them.
PPs.
Period Pants.
Those luscious coverings for that special time of the month when we leak what vampires crave.
Hidden in the bowels of our underwear drawers these comfy body hugging GIANTS lurk.
During the day, thanks to liners, we can lead a somewhat human existence whilst wearing cute underthings.
However, for those fat-dogging times and/or sleeping when a 1976 era hospital size PAD is in use, mayjah coverage is required.
I've been weeding out some of the truly tainted ones as the months go by.
It is bittersweet.
I've spent many a night comfortably luxuriating in the massive tent fabric that is the granny panty.
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| 11/25/08
85:
My most comfortable lady pants are falling apart.
This makes me....no sad really....maybe wistful?
They were so comfy. Mayhap I will just consider them to be "ventilated" for as long as they last.
|
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| I don't know...like 40 dollars. |
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11/12/08
83:
So. I know I joined the very exclusive pants-wetting crew a while back.
I fear I will never have to worry about having my membership revoked as I
tend to have leakage quite regularly. Usually, I wear a liner and just remove
it if anything decides to grace it. This makes it possible to go about my daily
business without having to wear wet lady pants.
I really should buy stock in 'carefree to go'. That way I'll get some of my $$$ back.
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11/5/08
83:
So. Passed an old lady today who was very busily puffing away on her cigarette. She wasn't really paying attention to her surroundings, just enjoying her afternoon ciggy. She looked, walked, dressed, and I imagine would sound quite like one, Cruella De-Ville. The best part was her cigarette holder. Yes, cigarette holder. Didn't know these were still in use. I guess she's been using hers for a good 200 years as her skin looked like the Crypt Keeper itself. One does not want to muss-up ones lipstick or nail polish. I've just been informed by 78 that she, 75, and 73 have memories of Uncle George puffing away with his fag device.
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| Correct |
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| Incorrect |
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10/22/08
83:
So. I think I've got a reserve tank. For my bladder.
Much like the real one on Mom's bruvuh's van from the 90s.
In the bathroom on the 9th floor of my school, I found that I can pee like no other.
Except Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own.
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10/1/08
83:
I just love coming home after a hard days commuting and throwing on some elasticated lounge pants.
Then assuming The Position on The Rack to catch up on some telly.
Ok...a lot of telly.
I very much look forward to this time of day/evening.
There is but one issue.
The odors that waft up from down below.
This time, it's not even my own odors.
It's the "food" that they partake of downstairs.
It is not actually food.
It is a form of torture.
Not torture for them.
Torture for those of us who do not enjoy the smell of boiled flesh and sauteed feces.
I'm getting very good at holding my breath for the sprint up the stairs.
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| 9/10/08
83:
Mmmmmm...
The luscious shades of brown.
The complete lack of tint on the windows.
The front seat, turn-crank windows.
The exhilarating 4th row bench.
Sign me up for one of those!!!
Or...I can just remember ours.
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9/3/08
83:
So. Saw Satan's bitch on the way to work the other day.
He was riding along on some fold-up bike contraption.
His own personal demon transportation device, or DTD.
He did not see me.
That Lucifer.
Sure does have hold of his balls.
And he has hold of its...horns?
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| 8/20/08
83:
So. Was going for a little evening swim the other night.
Was just going merrily along, letting my gas pass at will as I was on my own and figured, 'Hey, better out than in, right?' Now, there was a fair amount of bubbling coming from both ends as my laps were nearing their close and i was actually feeling worked out. Suddenly...down below, there was a very odd sound. It was unlike any type of gas I've ever heard before. Since I was the only one outside,, I just figured it was my body getting old and just doing its best to evacuate the air demons. Luckily, as I came up for a breath, I realized that it was not really me and my faulty a-hole. It was a flock of geese flying south for the winter.
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| 8/13/08
83:
So. I have the gas.
It's really bad.
I fear for my life.
And the lives of all those within my blast radius.
In the morning all that may remain will be a crispy morsel of what used to be 83.
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7/30/08
83:
So. I've been lax on the posting front as I'm just being lazy.
I've actually taken to carrying a little notebook with me so as to jot down any juicy tidbits.
I have filled many a page with what I thought were worthy/funny topics/events.
I recently skimmed over these pages so I could wow you with the wonderful world of whatever.
Ladies...
That shit stinks.
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| 7-23-08
83:
So. The treadmill. Our answer to not wanting to step outside to break a sweat.
This daunting contraption can be fun. It can be boring. It WILL be dangerful.
One must use extreme caution when trotting away on a moving walkway,
rocking out to a little bit of ABBA at a louder than necessary volume.
Closing ones eyes to fully embrace the wonderossity of the fab 4 can be risky.
On this day, I did all these things.
On this day, I fell.
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| 7/2/08
83:
So. Friday last, I took an infant/child CPR renewal class.
Was quite informative. I'm now fully up to speed on the
new technics of how to save a life.
Tuesday, I almost had to put these technics to the test.
After having just spent a lovely late afternoon at the beach,
we (boss, kiddies and myself) decided to rinse our sandy feet
off in the pool. This turned into a full on swim-fest for the kiddies.
As none of us had our swimming costumes on, they were wading
nicely, just getting the sand off. Then, all of a sudden, boy went
out quite a bit deeper than his skills cover.
Apparently, I can spring into action much quicker than those in
movies. Before I knew what was happening, I was boobs deep and
pulling him back to the side of the pool.
Fully clothed.
Luckily, none of my newly re-aquired skills were needed.
I've never jumped into a pool clothed before.
I don't really ever want to do it again.
This marked the end of our adventurous afternoon.
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6/25/08
83:
So. It's official. As of June 24th, 2008, I am a card-holding (and diaper wearing) member of the AARP.
5:32am. Comfortably sleeping in comfortable bed.
5:33am. Sprint to bathroom after having just wet said bed.
5:34am. In complete shock.
25 years, 3 months, 12 days, 22 hours, 36 min.
That is the age I became incontinent.
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6/18/08
83:
So. Not much really going on round here.
Just summah-ing in the Hamptons.
Here's a day:
Wake up.
Stretch in bed.
Pee. (In a toilet, not in bed.)
Brush teeth.
Wash face.
Put contacts in.
Head downstairs to the air-conditioned home gym and stretch out for real.
Head upstairs and have some breakfast.
Rinse off in the shower.
Dress.
Take kids to beach.
Return to house for lunch with kids.
Swim in backyard pool with kids.
Rinse and dress again.
Take kids to tennis/soccer lesson with hot instructor.
Return to house for dinner with kids.
Done "working" for the day.
Relax/read in my room till food settles.
Go for a swim/bike ride.
Shower.
Take contacts out.
Brush teeth.
Floss.
Get in bed.
Read/puzzle.
Sleep.
Rough life.
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| 6/11/08
83:
This is a toilet house.
This is a toilet in a house.
Both confuse me.
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| 6/4/08
83:
Found this lovely "food" item at one of the local "stores".
Yes. It IS called funtime.
Yes. It does say chocolate flavoured coating.
This chocolate flavour is by no means real chocolate.
Yes. 20 bars for 88 cents.
Apparently, the U.S. dollar can still get you...something.
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| 5-28-08
83:
So. Had a great first day at my new job.
Was quite fun. Actually looking forward
to going to work tomorrow. Don't think
I've ever looked forward to going to work.
Kids only have 2 more weeks of school,
then it's off to the summer house. Now I
can really ask that burning question;
"So, where do you summah?"
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| 5/7/08
83:
Oh...Lady camp...How I miss thee...
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| 4/14/08
83:
4/19/08: Depart for Austin, TX
4/23/08: Return to NYC
4/27/08: Depart for FL (Lady Camp)
5/04/08: Return to NYC
5/05/08: Put Satan on notice
5/16/08: Last rights with Satan
5/16/08: Depart for FL (85)
5/21/08: Return to NYC
5/27/08: Start new job
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3/19/08
83:
So. Have been fighting what 78 and I think is a horrible allergic reaction since Friday.
Babysat for a new family on Friday evening. I know, I'm quite a party animal.
They are fantastic and I hope to have a long working relationship with them.
Only one problem. They have a feline friend.
I did not know this going in.
By the time I got home that night, my throat was very itchy.
Saturday morning, ne: 2pm, felt like a case of 'manhandled by a city bus' aka the flu.
Sunday, more labored breathing and much coughing.
Monday, the voice started to go, physical exhaustion sets in.
Tuesday, no voice and pain everywhere, exhaustion.
Wednesday, ditto.
I'm not a fan of allergies. Or cats.
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2/25/08
83:
Passed by a regular Joe coming out of his building while walking back to the lair. Had just finished getting Satan's groceries (crazy I know, it eats human food!) and was on my way to pick up its spawn. Regular day in paradise. We smiled to each other, as humans tend to do, and he left me with a little more than just a toothy grin. He tore ass. At first I thought, hmmm, that was funny. Then, I grew quite worried for his colon. I think it thought it was on vacation. I hope, for his sake, it at least sends a postcard.
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2/13/08
83:
Not much has been going on here lately.
Actually, a lot has been happening as I've not had a moment to breathe.
School is school. Satan's workshop is the same as usual; hell.
Am looking forward to the summer. It's warm then.
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1/29/08
83:
So. Satan is leaving town for a week. It's taking its spawn with it. I am happy.
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1/25/08
83:
So. Been having a string of good luck lately. New job offer, found 30 bucks on the
sidewalk, won a raffle at school for a $200 gift certificate to bookstore without
even knowing I signed up for said raffle, got into some good classes this semester,
and finally starting to climb out of the depression. Still have a long way to go, but
"i just can't fight this feelin' anymore..." of wanting to be happy and not so damb
pissy. Even flirted with a cute guy on the train the other night after a good class.
Things are looking up.
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1/15/08
83:
I've been basking in the wonder that is tivo for a while now. Being able to watch shows on my schedule. Pause, rewind, fast-forward. All wonderful. The ability to enjoy certain clips over and over, like certain comedy sketches involving polar bears.
Controlling my own tv universe (fast-forwarding through all commercials) has been great, but sometimes it's nice to slow down and watch a few. For instance, a new at&t spot hocking their latest cell phone/blackberry/day planner item. I hope all of you can get your own 'Sven' to help organize your schedule (pronounced shedule).
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1/3/08
83:
This aisle marker is in one of our local drug stores here in NYC.
This is the first time I've seen or heard pop in the east.
Had no idea pop was only used in the west.
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| POP |
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12/25/07
83:
Happy Christmas!
78 has been a SAINT taking care of me whilst I recover from oral surgery.
She endured many days and nights of my constant complaining about the
pain, hunger, and nausea associated with bleeding of the mouth and allergic
reaction to pain meds. (All this complaining on top of my regular issues.)
Luckily, we had backup medication!
To 78; Thank You.
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12/21/07
83:
SCHOOL'S OUT. FOR. !WINTAH!
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| 12/11/07
83:
So. Is it a mullet, or a mullet?
The latter pronounced moo-lay.
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In other news.
$800 dress.
Actual purchase price, $9.99.
Zeus himself has smiled down upon me from Mt. Olympus.
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11/30/07
83:
So. Was enjoying a little tv at the ole homestead when on came a commercial for the cheapest of the GAP chain. This week's sale items include striped sweaters (great for the holidays) and metallic jeans (great for the...WHAT?!). These shiny jems remind me of, wait, let me set the scene; driving on I-90, on a cold winter's day. The sun magnificently reflecting off the snow. Then, passing a semi. One of those shiny, wrapped in aluminum foil, trailer types. Suddenly, you are blinded by the light. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6AFCJ1dLdg.) End scene.
I imagine one would probably pair these lovely traffic advisory sign pants with those grey-fake-leather-slouchy-peter-pan-bootie-things from the 80's. Have seen quite a few of the latter lately. Just want people out there to know that the boots they are wearing are not okay. The 80's are over.
Don't get me wrong. I like the 80's. I'm from the 80's. Go 80's.
But lemmings, why couldn't we bring back something of substance from that time of horrible fashion.
For instance, hypercolor.
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11/23/07
83:
I need to make some friends. All of my childhood friendships have died or are on their very last leg. Usually when I call best friend from hometown it takes her a while to call back. Sometimes it feels as though I've become a stalker. I guess I've just not been able to say goodbye. I can't. I'm still holding out hope that there will be some effort from the other side to revive friendships past. They're all married and done with school. Yes, I did move to NY at 19 and have made many different memories than I would have had I stayed out west and been a bartender. I've grown a lot in the past years living as a real grown-up, on my own. No mom & dad to foot the bill for my life. The death of these friendships is part of life. The part that sucks.
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11/14/07
83:
So. I've been in a pretty deep dark depression lately. I know what I need to do to get out of it, but when it comes down to it, I just can't. I'll elaborate on the past few months of very hard times in a later post as I'm in an okay state of mind at the moment and don't want to 'Debbie Downer' myself or any of you.
The 'date' apparently was not a date. He "forgot".
We did get together the next day to study for a test and had a great time, not really studying. We did get most of the work done, but spent most of the time just talking and getting to know each other. He's a nice guy, but quite young. We'll see. Probably just a study partner. But this is the first step toward having a real date with a life form (as opposed to my usual date with the couch).
Moving right along.
Finally started attending classes again today. It's been a while.
I was greatly rewarded for staying awake in one class.
Prof. Excape said it again.
Yes. He did.
This shouldn't surprise me any more, but it does. And I laugh out loud, in class, each time.
Not sure what the official excape tally is, as I have been in my own head with the depression, but it's getting up there.
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11/08/07
83:
Um...I think I have a date.
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10/30/07
83:
So. It's been a while.
1- Saw a dog getting a time-out on the UWS. Looked very apologetic toward its master.
2- Excape Prof. really liked his shirt the other day. He was rubbing his chest and stomach quite sensually.
He usually wears these lovely asian-high-collar-choker-silkishy shirts buttoned all the way up. His neck
never really seems too happy about this. His hands were enjoying the "lecture" a little too much.
Or...he had oysters for lunch.
3- Fun Prof. got a little personal the other day as well. We were discussing prohibition and things that
we like but that may be harmful to us. Then he chimed in with, "You mean, like spanking?"
4- Fun Prof. also mixes words. He was talking about taxes during the depression. He said the taxes placed
on the rich were "exuberant". I don't think the people were exuberant about the exorbitant taxation.
5- The CW is trying to be a real network. In my mind it will always be The WB. Sorry to all the advertisers. I
won't be swayed.
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9/27/07
83:
So. Oops...Prof did it again...he said my fave word...and it is excape.
The running tally is: 10.
I'll keep track throughout the semester.
Goal...100.
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9/11/07
83:
I have gas.
The internal kind.
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9/4/07
83:
So. School is back in full swing and with this comes tremendous responsibility. Mostly consisting of; not getting caught by Prof. sleeping during lecture. Since I finally declared my major as History, naturally I'm taking history. It's actually quite interesting and I don't dread going to class. (However, je deteste ma classe de français.) After 2 long weeks of classes, I was greatly rewarded in my first Hist. of the day. Prof. was explaining something about the ancients and mine ears did not deceive me when I heard him exclaim, "The emperor had to excape from his own palace!" Yes ladies. He said excape. I had to fight the urge to aks him a question. For the remainder of the class, I had a very large, very ridiculous grin on my brace face. I very much look forward to all of his lectures as I'm sure that this will not have been a one time event. Am more and more pleased with this college as each semester rolls on by. I will make sure not to skip any classes as I don't want to miss out on any mispronunciation-gate.
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8/24/07
83:
FUCK!!! Employer needs to choose whether or not to be involved in her offsprings lives. This she-beast ordered,"Feed the most gorgeous people in the world. Now." So, I prepared a healthy snack for her hellions. They had an array of fruits and high fiber goodies. Did they eat these items? No. She decided they should instead have cookies and bricks of cheese large enough to constipate an elephant. Now, I'm by no means a health fanatic. (We all know it's amazing I have any teeth left after living on those pink pepto tasting candies as a child.) However, when the people who I am feeding are children, I want them to learn healthy eating habits. Lady, just let me do my job. Later on, employer decided that I wasn't teaching her brats the alphabet properly. The problem there lies with her. You can't sit a child in front of the tv all weekend, then expect them to listen to their nanny on Monday. Also, her chitlins are not as smart as she thinks they are. All parents must talk up there kids, but come on. Bottom line, it's time to either take an active role in your child's upbringing or; remain sitting on your ass, watching you soaps, while I try to mold your clones into functioning human beings.
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8/14/07
83:
Sometimes, life is really boring.
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8/9/07
83:
Butt crack sweat is really gross.
Butt crack sweat I hate the most.
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7/31/07
83:
So. Was just walking down the street this beautiful day and felt what I thought was
air-conditioner condensation drip onto my face and neck. When I looked up to give
the customary glare at said offending ac-unit, I was quite surprised to see a flock of
very disgusting birds. No ac in sight, just the vermin. I promptly wiped my facial region
with purell and continued on my way. Fluid was clear. About 2 hours later, was sitting
in a nice shady area in C.Park with employers boy-child when I got another little surprise.
This time it was a lovely shade or greenish/brown. Chunky. This animal, suffering from
some sort of illness, felt the need to get it all out. Birds get the flu too. Out came the
handy-dandy travel-size bottle of purell.
If getting shat on by birds is such good luck, I guess I should buy a lottery ticket.
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7/4/07
83:
HAPPY B-DAY AMERICA!!!
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6/27/07
83:
So. Like most humans with a pulse, I text message. Not too much as I want to avoid carpal tunnel, but just enough to give little tidbits I deem necessary throughout the day. Mainly, I send photos of random strangers on the street who happen to be screaming for attention through their clothing choices. Sometimes I'll just say "Hey, what up bitch?". Bitch of course being used in a very loving way. Computers have grown so smart that they now predict what we are going to type. I didn't like this predictive text at first because I thought, No; my phone is not the boss of me. However, I've realized that this handy dandy little helper can make text messaging quite a fun cryptographic experience. Each time I type bitch, I get the word citag. Now, citag is not a real word. (I looked it up.) Luckily, I accept many made up words. So, from now on, whenever I send a little hello, it may just say, "Hey, what up citag?"
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6/17/07
83:
So. I was just looking back, not so fondly, on what I used to eat.
(Under the stairs at 821 or in the basement at 604, of course.)
Dry cake mix, sugar cubes, raw ramen, generic uncooked mac & cheese.
Gross.
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6/11/07
83:
So. While some bless-ed folks get to live out their days with names like; Jennyfivetina, Clitoris, Female (pronounced like the Mexican delicacy Tomale) and Tugdick, one lucky New Yorker tops them all. Malaria. Don't cross her.
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5/24/07
83:
So. I saw the one and only Dwight Shrute tonight on my way home from school. Hair, glasses, black pants with white socks, even a digital calculator watch. I was in such awe of his Shruteness when I noticed what he held in his hands. Comic books. Lots and lots of comic books. An entire bag full of them. He was like a child on Christmas morning. (maybe not in our childhood home, imagine a happy healthy home which we have all made for ourselves.) Beyond excitement, barely able to contain the joyity of the geek within. It was a lovely sight.
Also, I took my final final tonight!
SCHOOL"S OUT FOR SUMMAH!!!
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5/15/07
83:
So. Today on the upper east side, I witnessed something that noone should ever have to see. Camel toe.
Was her crotch hungry girl? Cause it's eating her pants! Made me remember all the good times had watching
Molly Shannon on SNL. "I'm 50!!!" Little advice out there to any ladies planning on leaving the house in form
fitted clothes. Avoid the toe! Camels belong in egypt, not your pants.
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5/7/07
83:
People in this country need to learn to get their piss in the toilet.
After today's jaunt into the restroom at school I was longing for one
of 73's holes in the ground. This was a FEMALE bathroom. Men's rooms
are just nasty. Men should get their urine in the toilet, especially since
they have a handy way to aim. Women also have no excuse for leaving a
lake of bright yellow stinky pee on the seat. I understand that it is
difficult at times to hover. But ladies, if you decide to pool your urine so
as to look at it before flushing, clean it up. It's disgusting, unsanitary and
rude.
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4/26/07
83:
So. I gave blood today. For the first time.
I feel like a rock star.
No wait, Wonder Woman.
Lynda Carter = Awesome
Can't wait to do my part again in 58 days.
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4/17/07
83:
Today at school, this is what I saw on my way to class.
The rape of some poor defenseless nostril. Word on
the street is the D.A. is "digging" deep to build a case
against this slimy individual. Let's hope justice is served
for the olfactory cilia.
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4/11/07
83:
So. I've been slacking in the bodily functions reporting over the last few weeks. Sorry about that.
Today, whilst at work with the children, the boy-child let one rip. He has gas pretty much all the time.
It's pretty raunchy. He's crapped his pants a few times and I wouldn't be surprised if he continues to do
so as his anal expulsions are quite juicy. Today brought forth many small toots and wafts of stinky, but the
one that will live on in infamy happened during lunch. Let me set the scene. The kids were sitting
politely, eating their gourmet meal that I so lovingly prepared for them. We were really getting to the
"meat of the book" in one of Roald Dahl's fabulous stories when the aforementioned boy-child lifted his
left cheek and let fly. I don't know why I was so suprised by his supreme flatulation, after all I taught him
everything he knows, but I was. We had a great laugh and continued our reading, eating, and all around
good memory making.
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4/6/07
83:
Have had many an idea of what to share this week. Alas, I cannot remember a thing. Am very excited to be heading to
75's abode for the hopiday. Easter is fun and festive. Tis always nice to get out of the city. Especially when it is to spend
"quality time together". (Thanks to the fabulous J.C. Wiatt (aka Diane Keaton) for the last line from Baby Boom-1987.)
Just one little tidbit from my favorite Friday night class:
Irregardless- one of my fellow students likes to use the word at least once each week. She's not trying to be clever. She
really tries to get her point across. She's also mentioned something about invisibilizing. She's quite descriptional.
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3/27/07
83:
So, I have a little trouble connecting names and places. Washington D.C., the District of Columbia.
I understand that it is not located in or near the country of Columbia, but the name still confuses me. If it is
supposed to be named for Columbus, it should be the District of Columbus. After all, we celebrate Columbus Day;
not Columbia Day. Another mind-boggler; the Poconos. Apparently this area is quite touristy. I have in fact taken
a day trip to the lush hills that reside here, and done some ever so gentle "white-water" rafting. I was quite baffled
the day 78 asked me if I wanted to go rafting in the Poconos. I thought, awesome, a trip to the beach. I've never
been to the Caribbean and it would be a lovely time away from the big city. I was shocked that we would be able
to find rough waters near such beautiful ocean views. Oh, how wrong I was. Dictionary.com says the Poconos are:
a mountain range in North-Eastern PA. I guess if Tom Thumb happened to be the one giving the definition, then it
would be pretty accurate. For us regular size humanoid creatures who have ever seen or visited mountain ranges,
the best definition I can come up with for the scenic Poconos is this; a hill range located in NE PA (not the Caribbean).
I guess I should bone-up on my geography. I am a history major.
3/19/07
83:
I'm thrilled to let all of you know that the NYPD is putting a stop to subway theft.
They are now very aggressively handing out pamphlets.
This will cut down on thievery immensely.
3/7/07
83:
So. A few things.
*According to AM New York, our good friend ,Ms. Mariah Carey, will be starring in a new movie.
The upcoming cinematic wonder-piece is entitled "Tennessee". The story goes like this: aspiring
cunt-ry singer leaves her nasty hubby to reach for the stars. Wait a minute... didn't they already
make this movie of the week? Please pass the "Glitter". Hey, remember when Dice got shot?
*Sometimes I enjoy the soaps. If I call in sick for work, chances are that I will be curled up in the
fetal position with cramps. You can also count on one other thing. I'll be watching the telly. When
all of my TiVoed shows are completed I can always turn to the daytime drama. My personal fave is
Passions. (I'm not even embarrassed sharing this right now.) My favorite line thus far sounded a bit
like the following. "I'm so sorry this treatment is going to make you nauseous and impotent."
This is quality television peeps.
3/1/07
83:
So. Quite a bit has been going on this past week. Tests, papers, having dreams about attending Oscars parties with one J.K..
You know, the usual. Stayed up all night Thursday night to get all my procrastinated homework finished.(had to start it first)
Was like a zombie-killa at the job Friday. As long as you shoot them in the brains, you'll be fine. (thank you mama) So, in conclusion. It does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. If we could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we can certainly party with the zombians.
Be well, ladies. Be well.
2/22/07
83:
So. I enjoy magazines. The stories. The pictures. The shiny, pretty pages. It's a wonderful escape after
a long day of work, school and commuting. Reading about Britney's latest attempt at beautification (she
was successful, at staying in the tabs at least), Lindsay's overnight stay in rehab (it's not a hotel ladies), and
the latest VD strain hitting the very young, very promiscuous Hollywood groupies makes me long for a happier
periodical. Alas, my prayers have been answered. I've now discovered these lovely materials below:
Bird Talk- the chirping will all make sense now
Dog Fancy- because who doesn't want to see fancy dogs
Cat Fancy- we can't forget about the felines
Turtle- for those who enjoy the reptilian crowd
and my personal fave:
Horse Illustrated- this just sounds like horsey porn
I hope that you too will bask in the joy that is the animal kingdom.
2/15/07
83:
Tho. My Athronomy profethor hath a lithp. It'th quite dificult to underthtand him during hith lectureth.
I very much enjoy the clath, but it ith a thtruggle to thtop mythelf from laughing out loud every time he
thayth "The Tholar Thystem is very vatht and interethting!" He alwayth thayth thith with much guthto.
Will report more on thith thtupendouth clath ath the themethter protheedth.
Altho, looking forward to having 88 here in the lovely thity.
2/8/07
83:
Peed my pants. Yup. I peed my pants. I am officially a grown-up. Was on the bus, returning to work after visiting one of the many groceries I frequent for Mr. & Mrs. Employer, when I got quite a shock. I'm excited to say winter has finally arrived. Not so excited to say it has brought along its merry group of friends; early darkness, frigid temperatures and blustering winds. But I'm forgetting winter's BFF, runny nose. I had no idea when I started blowing my nose that by the time I drained my nostrils my pants would be just as wet as the tissue. Let me start from the beginning.
It's a lovely feeling each day, riding the poo-blic transit and pretty much having kleenex shoved up my nose. The soft, pillowy, clean smelling tissue (if any smell can overpower the stench of body-rot that seems to permeate every seat, pole and wall within a train car) sticking out of my nose holes is not the problem. The problem being the looks of disgust and sometimes horror from my fellow riders. Actually, now that I think deeperly (just made that up) it's kind of fun to have the others think, "What will the kleenex breather do next?" (feel free to translate that last thought into what ever language you would imagine hearing on the morning train) The truth behind the madness of the kleenex ornamentation is simple. I refuse to have snot on my face. Also, I am planning on saving up my sick days for when I can actually enjoy them, so I damn well better not get some commuter disease.
Moving right along. I got out my handy-dandy little travel-pack of kleenex and began the ritual of nasal drainage. Now, this run-off was coming out no matter what, I was just hoping to at least catch it in the tissue before it touched me. Just a tiny gust of air from the inside and I should be done, right? Wrong. Apparently, when one part of my body is draining, the other parts feel they should not be left behind. Being all of 23 years and in fairly sound health (mind and body) I did not expect to feel a little rush of liquid expelling itself from anywhere except the place I was telling it to. The first thought that ran through my mind once I realized what had happened was, "Man, the one day I don't wear a freakin liner" (carefree to go)('vasinal dis-CHARGE). There was probably less than 1/4 teaspoon of urine, no mop necessary for the cleanup on aisle 13. (blue-light special, cookies) I guess my lady-pants did a good job because my regular pants were not even the slightest bit moist. ('Dead Like Me' was a beautiful series!) Now, I understand that as we age, some of our parts just wear out. But come on. I think I might like to hold on to the bladder control for a few more years.
I think my most loyal readers are going to end up being those in the age bracket consisting of elderly folks subsisting on Social Security. Hopefully they won't mind sparing a few depends undergarments. Since my backup generator had already kicked in to keep my bladder in check, I wonder what part will cease to do it's main function when I'm 24. One can only dream of all the wonderful outcomes (hopefully not ending up like our good friends, Meryl and Goldie a la 'Death Becomes Her').
Looking forward to making many memories ,we can look back on fondly, this weekend with 78 and 85.
CONGRATULATIONS 78 ON YOUR NEW CHAPTER!
You are truly an inspiration and will continue to be 'the wind beneath my wings'.
P.S.
Never intended on having all my posts be about body functions. Just happened.
We all fart, piss ourselves every once in a while, and have snot bubbles. At least we can enjoy these glorious times together.
2/1/07
83:
Migraine. Cramps.
1/22/07
83:
Don't get sick or injured in NYC. Friday last, 78 went to the hospital for what was supposed to be a quick and easy suture repair. The procedure turned out to be neither quick nor easy. It seemed as though the "doctor" had decided to use the old caveman (sorry geico caveman) remedy of clubbing for anesthesia. Turns out, the reaction to this violent medical practice is not good. At least for the person on the receiving end, 78. So, let's go back to the beginning. I arrived at the hospital at noon, as the surgery was scheduled for around 9am. I proceeded to wait in the lovely waiting room for approximately 2 hours before realizing that it was going to be a long wait. Several times I went up to the very happy receptionist and asked if he had any idea when 78 would be coming out of the butcher shop. Each time he got a little snootier (is that even a word? If not, I just made it one and give you all permission to start using it in everyday interaction with "the others")("the others" being all those who are not us.) which was totally unnecessary. Maybe he stubbed his toe or his boyfriend of 18 years had dumped him that morning, whatever his issue, he needed not be nasty to me. After many failed inquiries as to 78's whereabouts I had to get out. I was going to start bawling in front of this vile reception man. So, I went out for a short time and returned with what I thought would be just what our dear 78 needed to cheer her up after her grisly ordeal. What else but a cup of steaming cocoa. (we are the most PG ladies on this fantastical interweb!) After letting myself into the recovery area, very sneakily so as not to be removed from the premises, and not finding 78, I continued my wait. After what seemed like many moons had passed (since I fell asleep a few times from the droning of court tv) a lovely man in an angelic white lab coat entered the waiting room. I knew he had come for me. I just didn't know what he was going to tell me. As I braced for the worst, he took me up a secret "member's only" elevator to the surgery recovery room where 78 was waiting. Apparently, this hospital thought that leaving someone writhing in pain alone for 5 hours was no problem, even though a loved one was but 3 floors away with what turned out to be very cold hot chocolate.
Turns out 78 had a horrible reaction to the aforementioned clubbing and it truly was going to be a long night.
01/05/07
83:
I've beentrying to think of something to post that would be clever and witty, and it's been quite a thought drought.
Then on my way home from work, where I told my boss that I will not be going in on Monday as it is a holiday and she proceeded to go ask her husband what was going on, something lovely and amazing happened. My lady boss kept telling me it would be counted as a vacation day, but I stood my ground and told her that if her husband is off work, I'm off work, paid. Then, realizing I was not backing down and I was actually right, she said "Okay, we'll miss you, but see you on Tuesday". So, with business taken care of, I left to go to one of my favorite shopping haunts. After finding many items at wonderful prices, I jumped on the mass transit for my journey home. Coming up out of my local "la gare" I was stopped abruptly by a man saying, "Oh, how are you? Where have you been hiding?" I said,"What?!" He then went into a broken-english discussion of how he know me and wanted to catch up. I said,"What?!" I still couldn't place this man, but he obviously knew me. About the time he asked me out for a drink and my number, I realized I had never met this man before in my life and was being given one of the oldest lines ever. I said that would be lovely, but I had to get going to visit my boyfriend. I started to walk away and he grabbed my arm and asked for my number. I then just said,"No".
01/03/07
83:
So, I was flying out of a NYC airport Christmas morning on a cross country flight and before embarking I always try to drain the old bladder (so as not to use the very spacious amenities on board, because we all thoroughly enjoy peeing into blue water at 39,000 ft.). There just so happened to be a lovely restroom near my departure gate, so I went. Since I ended up sitting between a blocked window and a very large man on the flight it was a good thing I used the facilities when I did. I was just going along on my "merry" way, squatting over the toilet in one of the last non-renovated bathroom stalls, trying to get every last drop of urine out when I squeezed all those muscles and out came one of the most glorious farts I've heard reverberating off the bathroom walls. Now, throughout our lives we've all heard that sad lady in a public restroom who no longer has control over her bowels and just can't stop the gas from escaping. I always thought, "That is so nasty, I would never do that in public!", but as I have come to realize, we don't actually have that much control over our bodies. At first I hoped if anyone had been witness to my sphincter symphony, they would just leave quickly and not have noticed my shoes. Then as I laughed out loud, I was saddened to realize that I was all alone. No audience to enjoy my musical stylings on Christmas Day. I did and still do laugh out loud when I think back on this time and now share with all of you, my devoted relations.
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